What a strange assortment of things to have hurt feelings about... Today I don't want to trust anyone.

Also, Francis and I have been having painfully superficial conversations. Last night I avoided talking to him altogether. It was way too easy. We used to have to talk every day, about everything. We talked to each other in a way that we didn't talk to anyone else. We had so many secrets... When we were with other people, we would whisper in each other's ears all the time. Or, if we weren't near enough to each other for whispers, we would look at each other, and we each knew what the other's looks meant. I don't know if I appreciated that enough then. Now when he looks at me, I have to look away.

I thought that spending time together again would be a good thing, but I almost wish we had continued keeping away from each other. It hurts to be around him this way. Worse than that, now that we've gotten into this regular thing again, I'm likely to feel this way every Thursday for a long, long while. Unless I just ditch the whole thing, but that feels too... declarative. He would know what it meant, and even though right now it feels like we'll never get back to the way things were, if I stop showing up on Wednesdays, it will make it impossible to get back there, I think. What we need is to talk to each other, about actual things. About the thing he said on his birthday that almost made me cry. But if we do talk, I will cry, and I don't feel strong enough for that right now.

Oddly enough, Francis isn't even one of the things I was thinking about at the top of the page. I didn't mean to say any of this when I sat down here. I don't know, I just don't think I'm ready for this morning yet...