I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I say it over and over, write it over and over.

The nicest thing about the wedding was the way Unix managed to be himself within the context of something that is so far from who he is. During the vows we all looked at each other laughing without laughing, because it made so much sense. It turned out that I was the only girl he asked, which made me feel strangely special, because I know how he can be about girls. It was nice the way his family and hers all knew me and came to say hello, to kiss my cheek and thank me for being there. The way her mother looked at Francis and said, "Oh I know you, all of the girls have crushes on you," and his eyes got big. There was a fiddle, and bubbles (unblown), and a 6ths song that made me smile, but no swans. We went for a walk to find some, but the swans were busy elsewhere. G.P. was my accidental date, and we talked about geography and spending time together. I wore heels all day, and I didn't know how easy it could be. I don't have much experience. I'm a beginner, at almost everything. The kids got racecars, and I drank coffee and benedictine and brandy. I made a friend of the bartender (that's how I am). We had a nice day, swans aside.

Today everything is about the way my mother cannot answer a question. She asks me for help with something, but she cannot answer a question, so I just stand around looking at her, wondering if maybe she just doesn't understand the concept of, "But what do you want?" I know what I want. I want to go home, but I can't go home. There were strange men practically inside my kitchen this morning, and the bathroom is falling to pieces, and technically I shouldn't even be living there, so all I can do is try to forget about that by standing around looking at my mother, waiting for an answer. Or, right now, hide in the other room and hope that when I come back out she'll have gotten somewhere.

There is also that I'm completely freaked out about something that should have been done already, but hasn't been, somehow. It's taken me a step beyond anxious and all the way to, "I wonder if maybe my breathing will just stop, and what I will do if it does." If I don't get this worked out in the next twenty-four hours I guess I'll find out, but see, I'm waiting for an answer to a question. The most interesting thing ever is that there's the other thing which would ordinarily be unsettling me like crazy, but there's no room for it now. Which is fine, because I imagine that there's no room for me now. I can't wait until it's Wednesday, when either the world will end or it won't. I mean, it won't, but I never believe it until it doesn't. Oh, I don't like the way these words are going, or the way this day is going. But there is that one thing that's nice, that instead of unsettling me is just hanging around at the back of my thoughts being nice. Nothing ever seems to go wrong without something somewhere else going right, and I guess that's what keeps my breathing from stopping.