There's someone I sort of know who has a way of nearly saying things. Just like Jolyon, he takes a breath and looks resolved and then it crumbles and he never says whatever it is. It can be worse than having someone say horrible things to you, to have him just sit and not say anything when you're sure it's so close, over and over. It's not even that I have any idea what he might be about to say, or that I have any reason to think that it's something I'd want to hear, it's just... I don't know. If I ever see him again I think I'll ask. I don't think he'll answer, but I still want to ask.

I don't know why everything has to be so strained, why it's not just simple and clean. I mean, I know it must be me and something I do or say, or something I don't know how to do or say, but I just can't work it out. I don't like it, not at all.

Just before sunrise I was cold in my half sleep for the first time in months and it made me miss summer already, even though it isn't even really gone. The birds have been noisier lately, I think the cold overnight unsettles them too. I had a dream where all the leaves had fallen and it had rained so the leaves stained the sidewalk, leaving leafy outlines all over after they'd been swept up. Like a crime scene without the awfulness. Just a little while ago I happened onto just the right/wrong show, and Ira Glass' voice was breaking and I couldn't take it. That felt a little like a crime scene too, like Ira Glass was listing the evidential details to his partner, and his partner was the part of me that remembers all of those things it would be easier to forget.

Golly, this is all sort of unreasonable and not quite what I meant to write, but here we are anyway. I feel a little ruined just now, but in a couple of hours everything will settle somehow and maybe I'll have a firmer idea of what I mean and how to say it.