When I woke up this morning, while I was still in bed and still mostly asleep I looked outside (without my glasses on, so mostly blind), and thought, "Is it snowing?" Then I remembered how warm it is. The clouds are there, but the temperature isn't. It will be nice to fall asleep to the rain tonight. Snow is so quiet.

I had a dream about him last night, and I don't know why. When I thought about him all of the time I never dreamt about him, so even though I know it doesn't mean anything I still want to know what it means. We were walking around looking for pirate radio stations, waiting to watch people play pretend baseball, and suddenly Lenny Kravitz was there and we ran away. I was wearing a dark blue sweater and he ran his face along it and half held my hand (just the fingers) and was generally sort of anxious and puppyish, and I wanted to say mean things but I couldn't do it. Even in my sleep I don't know how to not forgive people and it worries me.

I also dreamt that someone rang my doorbell early this morning and now I'm wondering whether it may have actually happened.

So, it seems to me that Eves should always be on Thursdays or Fridays and the fact that today is Sunday just won't stop confusing me. It turns out I'm afraid of Christmas after all, but due to luck and coincidence it's alright. I'm accidentally listening to Christmas music right now, after which I'll take a shower and head out to start my Christmas smiling. I was thinking of going to church. I haven't been in so long, and even though I don't believe in anything, I love all of the stuff. I love the priests' tone of voice (they all have the same one) and the sort of droney way the whole room speaks together (the adult version of a classroom of children saying, "Hello Mrs. Whoever.") and I love the way everyone just knows what to do when, when to kneel, when to stand, when to shake their neighbor's hand. I love the way churches look, all the wood and stations of the cross. I love that holy water smell on the way out. I won't go because I've got too much Christmas smiling to do and I haven't even had a Christmas shower yet, but maybe sometime. Maybe next week between the New Year's Eve champagne and the New Year's Day movie. There's a lot of holiday talk packed into this paragraph, and here's where I'm leaving it.

Otherwise, I'm a little anxious about the thousand tame deer.