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2007-09-25 - 11:45 a.m.

Everything feels so ordinary, and I love it. No one knows the season. In the intersection downstairs it's entirely summer, but it might as well be February in this room. Basically what I'm doing is practicing being alive. I've got a new Zero Feelings Policy, and it's a good one. I am being so careful. I am making brief, but technically polite small talk and paying attention to my posture. I don't feel like doom anymore, or rather, I don't feel like awful doom. I feel like a great flashing terrible doom, the kind of doom I can really hold onto. The kind of doom I can keep my balance on.

We chanced into the Captain over the weekend, and boy has she gone sour. I always ignored it when people said she could. That killed about three hours of good time, but we recovered, mostly. We met an imitation Robert Downey Jr., we met a twelve year old boy pretending to be an adult. We spent too much money, but the world is okay. I wasted my whole weekend, but I don't care about weekends anymore.

I didn't have an indelible pen for the palm of my hand, so I couldn't try out my little magic trick. I consider it every day. See, I'm still allowed feelings, but only nice ones, only in slow pieces, only if I don't say them aloud. Zero Feelings is the solution to every problem I've ever had.

Secretly, I stubbed my toe and it hurt so much that I took two generic Aleve on a completely empty stomach, which led to a bit of a hangover feeling, so then I had a Gatorade and some pretzels, and now I feel full and sleepy and my mouth is too sweet, and it isn't even noon yet. My mouth will always be too sweet, it will always not even be noon yet, but at least my face is quiet, at least my eyes look calm.

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