It's making me want to cry, this song, but it's a nice sort of want to cry. Good things are better, I think, at making me cry than bad things. That may be the primary difference between who I am now and the girl I was once. I've decided to make something special, with words or with music; I'm not sure yet which. The Egg might be the deciding factor, but I won't see him until Wednesday. I need some encouragement, and sometimes nothing encourages me better than I. I think if I make something I love, it will lead to more and better things. I hope.

Sometimes I feel out of touch. It can be a relief to be mildly swept away in something that everyone else seems to be feeling as well. Then she told me that I play worse than hard to get, that sometimes I can seem impossible to get. That I seem not to want to be gotten. Then she hugged me and said that it wasn't true. I don't know if I believed her until she took it back. The thing is, someone very nice said something very sweet to me, and my response was, "Oh, gross." Not aloud, just in my head. What kind of person won't just take the good things that come along? Can you see me raising my hand? It's not that I don't trust other people. I don't, necessarily, but that's not the problem. I can't help but anticipate how things will work out, and at the end I always see an end. And at fault I always see myself. I don't want to put someone else in the position of being hurt by me any more than I want to put myself there. Blech. I'm being creepy and maudlin. I don't mean to. I'm not actually sad about any of this at all, at the moment.

The interesting thing is, I'm sort of wildly happy right now. It's sunny and cold, but the best kind of cold, the kind that slips past your collar and glides across your neck just enough to remind you of what your skin can feel like, when it wants to. And this song, and the next and the next... how can I choose between them? And then there are things that I feel silly about, like how much I like the sweater I'm wearing, and how generally pretty I feel today, and the difference that can make in a mood. And I've been sleeping better, sort of. Actually, I'm pretty much getting as little sleep as ever, but I'm content with it. I've been getting by with lots of tea, and it feels good, somehow.

And still, sometimes it seems to go too fast. Maybe always.