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2004-06-14 - 7:51 p.m.

Flicker, flicker, flicker.

I worry about Jackpot. He's holding so many grudges. She said, "I think that something happened, but he doesn't want to tell me what it is." I said, "He seemed fine yesterday." He did seem fine, but then, for the first time, I wondered if it were possible that what had happened to the other might be beginning with Jackpot. My initial feelings were completely selfish. I was afraid that it could leave me unsettlingly alone with all of them. I talked to him, and it turned out that she had overreacted to something innocent. Still, I told him that I thought his grudges hurt him, and that they weren't worth the hurt. He said, "You forget too much," and I said, "No, I don't. I forget just enough." His grip on those things is just as tight as if he'd just started holding them, whereas I keep pulling my hands away when they try to take them. I have quick hands.

Oh, but there's more...
1. My friends are better than everyone else's friends. I'm sorry, but it's true.
2. He insists that he's colorblind, but the meaner part of me suspects that he's just lazy.
3. I like the way the drums sound far away. It makes me think of that song Love Letter, where it sounds like the instruments and the singer are on opposite sides of a wall.
4. "Hi!" When I see that I picture a big smile and slightly frantic wave, and it's great.
5. On some days it's frustratingly difficult to time the toast.
6. What's surprising is not that I accidentally locked myself out in my nightgown at six in the morning, but that it had never happened before.
7. Not being able to sleep became worth it when I turned on the television just in time to hear what young Mr. Krakow had to say about his wallpaper. "In my room one seam is a little off, and I stare at it constantly. It's, like, destroying me."
And more, but not today.

before - after

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