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2004-06-11 - 10:51 a.m.

Again? Yes, again. I feel splayed, both thoughtwise and limbwise. Are my arms and legs longer than they usually are? No, I suppose not... Because, you see, when I woke up too soon this morning I just got right up without any of that ridiculous trying to fall back to sleep business, and now I'm just so hazy, like there's a thin layer of cotton between me and everything else. Between me and my own thoughts even. The great thing is that nearly everything is making me smile, and I keep finding myself in the middle of doing things that I don't remember deciding to do. Who knows? Not me.

Despite the cotton I feel a little exposed. Such an innocent question to make me cry, just a little bit, but still. It made me think of something fairly important that I probably always almost knew, but never got around to really thinking about. Troubling and comforting at the same time, makes me cry but doesn't leave me sad. Dry my eyes and two minutes later it's like I never cried at all. Almost.

I've got a tiny red dot on the inside of my ankle. Every morning I make a cup of tea, and every morning once it's steeped I reach forward with my bare foot to step on the lever that lifts the lid of the trash can, lift the tea bag out of the cup, and slowly swing it into the trash. Every morning one drop drips off of the bag and onto my ankle, right on the same spot, and I never do anything to avoid it. Maybe I will eventually. If I'm murdered the detectives will think it's evidence. My ankle and I share a secret.

And what exactly is going on when the only records Jackpot and I can agree on listening to in the car are The Grey Album and The Sea and The Bells?

draws breath as if to speak

before - after

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