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2004-07-29 - 7:12 p.m.

All day long. "Your skin is something that I stir into my tea."

Last night was good. I dreamt it before it happened, and it turned out much better when I was awake. And Sam! And lions! And a tomatoey sandwich! And now it's Thursday, and I'm trying to keep it to myself, because tomorrow and the next day and the next day will not be mine, but there will be a trained lifeguard on duty. There are people we can't let go of, and it's not a bad thing, but I worry that it takes up the space we could be using for better things.

I've tied some things in knots, and now it's like I'm stuck in the middle of the rope spider web at the Hall of Science. Or maybe it's at the Bronx Zoo. I remember for certain that that's where the coyote ears are, and somewhere there's a picture of me with my head in between them, hearing the way a coyote does, except I know what the words mean.

I'm a bit confused, but listening to Miss Newsom gives me the feeling that confusion is okay. July, here at the end, is turning out to be a month I can really hang onto. Or, rather, a month I have to hang onto to avoid being flung off. I've been so cleverly topsy-turved that I'm not certain it's right to have any hard feelings. Also, I've decided to become the only person in the world, so I guess it's just tough luck for the rest of you. None of you are ever who you turn out to be anyway. When Monday comes, things will be different. There will be order and lists. I'll get up extra early to sit in the park with the old people and clear my eyes. I'll have sweet memories of Sunday, because if I don't it will be tough to get over. I'll find that weird little bridge that we found the day we decided to walk everywhere, and I'll sit on it with my legs dangling over the side and take pictures of the passing trains.

"You were knocking me down with the palm of your eye." That seems true enough.

p.s. You seem so far away now. Somehow it seems like the warm weather has been increasing the distance, because in the winter you were right here by my ear.

before - after

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