2004-09-01 - 2:49 p.m. "we dance like drunken sailors, lost at sea, out of our minds"Remember how this works? I'm so old to not know how to do this yet, but, to be fair, I've been making that complaint since age seven. I'm running out of time for the park walk, and I have a crush on David Hemmings' voice coming out of my radio. David Hemmings Happens! My Halloween costume, which I haven't started making yet, but have been collecting parts for, has become a different costume, and it's so much better than it was. Even those who never see it will be jealous, and they'll be right to be. I love September. I am quite charged up today. Sam is back. I just want to hold his hand and drag him around with me everywhere. I'm getting practice at missing people. Sometimes you miss someone so much, and there will be plenty of times you don't think about them at all, but then when you do it's such a hard thing to feel that you want to pull the missing out of you, even though you know that you'd miss that feeling too, if it was gone. I want to keep it all to myself, but I don't know how to. So, I look away and go wobbly. I don't want to share anything important with people I don't love, and it seems I'm sure of loving surprisingly few people. I could want to share things with strangers, I suppose. Sometimes I don't notice anything but myself, and I feel like a creep for it. I'm not always as good as I ought to be, and what's worse is that I know that if I were, I wouldn't like me as much. I've lately got this achy in my veins and throat feeling, like I've been holding my breath for days and the muscles are about to give. I've got screaming to do, but where's a good place for screaming? I could take a nap at any minute of the day, and I like the feeling. Just as I'm typing I get a message from the Captain, and I could cry at how sweet it is. Who cares about rough moments when I'm loved the way I am? Everything evens out. It feels just like the nicest math equation. It's reassuring without even trying. This is starting to get away from me, and I'm going to get out while I still can. But! I just remembered my dream last night, in which a weirdly pointed plastic tool grew out of my hand, and in a box in my room I found a metal casing to slide over it, to make it stronger. It was so exciting! It hurt, and my hand bled quite a bit, but it was worth it, because I was sure I'd be able to do something pretty fantastic with that tool. See, this is what I should have been writng about this whole time, but now Einstein's talking and I've gotten all soft again. "you find shelter somewhere in me, I find great comfort in you" before - after old | now | profile | mail