|
|
It is raining so hard that I feel some concern for the windows. And for myself, as it seems that the rain could force the windows to come falling in on me. It isn't enough concern to get me to move away from the windows, but enough to make me a little anxious when the rain gets especially loud.So, I am not a good friend all of the time, but, for some reason, my friends don't seem to know. Except for Francis, who is either very upset with me or not upset with me at all. It's difficult to tell. I disappear for days at a time. I'm vague about things that are fairly important. I forget that friendships need maintenance. I'm a good friend, I think, when I'm around, but I don't try hard enough to be around, and no one knows why, because I won't say. I can only be counted on for certain on Wednesdays, and they hardly count. Still, people have nice things to say, and I'm not sure they should. That has to change.For reasons unknown to me, I've accidentally stayed up all night the last several nights. Well, most of the night. That has to change too. I do sort of like yawning though. It kind of makes me feel like a kitten. I've gotten the impression that yawning takes up a lot of their waking hours.On This Old House there was a tree specialist examining trees for disease and deciding which trees should stay and which would have to come down, and since then I've been watching trees more carefully. There are a couple on my block that I think may be done for. Sometimes it's like my feet have slipped out from under me, and I don't know how I feel about anything, or what to say, or how to hold my face. Being in strange places, walking through neighborhooods I'm not sure of, dressing up to go to movies in which characters speak softly and seriously, talking to strangers, these are things that make me sure. Maybe it's the extra attention, the attention that isn't required in my everyday life. I've memorized it too well. I want to be sure more of the time. It flickers in and out.
|