So, I am feeling mildly miserable. My head is cloudy, and I'm not sure whether, if it were not cloudy, I would be feeling more miserable or less.

I've been up since five, after falling asleep around two-thirty or so. I've been trying to fall back to sleep, but it will not happen, and my head is so, so heavy. Also, I'm completely turned around timewise, because my cloudy head is making each hour feel like a year or a minute, alternately, and the fact that the clock on this computer is an hour off isn't helping. I need help. I need someone to hold my cloudy head.

The heater is hissing behind me, and in my head I'm hissing back, because the heater is why I'm awake. It is nine degrees outside and the heater is overcompensating. When I woke it was super hot and so I opened the window and got back into bed, but I was still hot, and then I started worrying about the open screen, worrying that maybe the bird that's been tapping at the window might fly in through it, and how do you get a starling out of your bedroom at five in the morning? So then I had to get up to close the screen, and back into bed, and some tosses and turns, and now it's almost eight-thirty, and why is this computer on?

I drank whiskey last night. I'm not going to drink whiskey anymore, as I think it makes me sad, not during, but after.

And other things. Michael asked me to help him with something and I said yes right away, thinking it would be like the last time I helped him, only it isn't. Now I'm scared of something that isn't even scary, though I'm less scared now than I was when my head was against the pillow. Also I'm scared of something else, and even more scared because this something else is something I actually have reason to be scared of. I'm feeling unreasonably lonely. I wish that for just the next couple of days I could shut off my feelings and do the things I need to do. I wish I could stop wanting someone to hold my cloudy head.