Did you know that I'm an accidental genius? I don't know anything about computers, really. Having Jackpot around meant never having to, and I preferred it that way, because everything that happens is some sort of magic miracle when you have no idea what's making it happen. But, because my computer stopped doing what I asked, I was forced to poke around install things and uninstall things and update things, and who knows what, all completely randomly and based on hunches. For a while I seemed to be making things worse, for a while I thought, "Oh, I'm going to have to fling this thing out of that window," but now, ta dum! Everything is doing what I ask it to, because I accidentally fixed the problem. I still get to have my magic miracles, because I still don't know the hows or whys.

Excess Strausses is exactly how I feel today. At the moment I'm trying to get enthusiastic about going out to Brooklyn, but all I want to do is stay home and read, and maybe clean the oven. Tonight will be noisy and smoky and teeming with boys, and I'm just so tired of that. But the Egg called to see how I was getting there, and every time he leaves a message on my voicemail it feels like Michael is there prompting him because he can't figure out what to say, and I love that. His voice reminds me that tonight can be better than I'm giving it credit for. For the past while, my favorite part of every night is the last two blocks to home, and I can always count on that.

Everything is good, but it isn't. It's hard to figure it out any better than that. You can't argue with numbers. Or you can, but the numbers will just sit there quietly waiting you out, letting you get the nonsense out of your system until you're ready to come around. If everything could be converted to numbers, it would all be so much easier. Also, I don't know why everything has to be so personal. If every single person and feeling had its own slot to travel in, or a track to lock into like those toy cars we used to play with, then nothing would ever get confused. I would never mistake a thing for something it's not, because did I mention the tracks would be labeled? Of course not, but I think it was understood. Anyway, I really should be getting ready to go out and whoop it up.