I need a sleeping bag to lie in in the bathtub, because sometimes I just want to lie quietly in the empty bathtub, but it's not too terribly cozy.

Today was terrible, and terrible for twice as long because I was too busy being mortified to ever fall asleep last night. I had to meet my older brother early this morning, so around five I gave up on the idea of sleep and moved on to the idea of tea. My older brother and I don't have much of a relationship. We basically see each other couple of times a year, on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and sometimes Mother's Day or Easter. There are birthday emails, when we remember. We get along well enough, there's just this fundamental distance between us that settled in a long time ago and isn't going anywhere. Still, probably the best thing my mother ever did for me and my brothers is make us feel connected despite our distances, like a weird sort of team. Every once in a while we remind each other, and it's enough. This morning he was sweet and brothery, and that on top of the sleepless mortification and three quick cups of tea made it really hard not to cry. So I got swept away in this unusually dense parade of people, trying hard to keep my face steady, wishing it was acceptable to curl up alongside of office buildings and fall apart for a few moments.

Gosh, I don't think I can write anymore. Everything feels like too much. In a few days I'll feel less terrible, in a few days I'll have slept a few times. In a few days my ability to run basic errands will cease to be hindered by the United Nations General Assembly. I mean, for crying out loud! In a little while I'll make my bed and then get into it, and I'm not getting out again until I get some good dreams. I've been saving up.

p.s. My phone works now, so the next time we make plans to do something it will be easier. Also, by the time we make plans to do something next I won't be such a lot of doom.