I wish I could stop doing and saying things that make me feel like I'd better just wrap myself in blankets and have a long sleep at the bottom of the ocean.

I'm waiting for the nephews to arrive. I'm stuck in that sort of waiting where I feel I can't begin to really do anything, because I have no idea how long the wait will be. I've got the windows open wide, I've got the music turned up loud, the combination is killing me. The tea I'm drinking feels like it's scraping along my veins. This tea means a lot more business than the tea I'm used to. There's a party tonight at the end of the world, so far that I stared at the map for a while trying to guess how long it would take to get there and I just couldn't. So far away that the invitation was followed by, "You can spend the night, I've got a bed for you. And sheets!" New York is a secret giant. I don't want to spend the night, sheets or not. I need my own pneumatic tube to carry me back and forth, to shoot me underground. I need to want to go to a party tonight, but I get bored with people so easily lately.

The fact that it's March now still seems impossible to me.

Oh my gosh! I dreamt that I locked a bunch of people up in a room/cage. I don't know why I did it. I don't think I ever really knew why, in the dream, but I was so desperate to keep them in there. Afterwards, when they got out and everyone found out what I'd done and was giving me the cold shoulder, I just started wailing, "I feel horrible! I know it was a crazy thing to do, I can't explain why I did it, it doesn't make sense! I felt awful and I did something awful! I just feel so horrible all the time!" I don't really feel horrible all the time, but when I do it does sort of make me wish I were a wailer. Holy cow, I'm remembering a lot more I dreamt, but I'm afraid that if I type it all here I won't be able to forgive myself. It doesn't matter really, it's just that right at the moment I remember a dream it feels like the whole world, but that feeling goes away. I dream too much.

Anyway, anyway, it's too cold in here and I'm too quiet for music this loud. I can't say what I want to, I just clam up around this place. A song just started that I listened to every chance I got two summers ago. That's a nice feeling. The last year has made me feel a bit crummy, like I'm not quite right or enough, but that feeling beginning to go away and this song coming back are timed just right. And now the nephews are here.