June, and instead of being summery out like it has been it feels like late fall, colder and gray in a way that intends to last a while. It's not so bad, in fact I think that if June had decided to start out all sunshiney I might have been furious with it. I've stopped believing in the ability of a new month to make me capable of all of the things I didn't feel capable of the month before. I feel still and pragmatic. Maybe it will help.

The weekend was pretty full, and in a good way. The only troubling thing about it was that it made me more aware of how little of the time I feel like I'm really being myself. Sometimes it seems that there's this other person I drape over myself in certain social situations. I allow her to take over while I'm underneath, thinking of other things. She's not a bad person, or someone I dislike, she's just... not entirely me, although she does occasionally keep quiet and force me to peek my head out and say something. I just need to work on the balance, I guess. Drape myself on top of me and let her peek her head out once in a while. People do seem to like her. She even makes me laugh, sometimes.

If I were to write about everything I was thinking right now, this page would go on forever. Maybe I should be writing more on paper. Maybe I should run away for the summer to get things in order. The summer and the fall, and come back for Christmas with everything figured out. It is that simple isn't it? Don't tell me that it isn't, please.