There are so many words, and something gets lost in them. It's like forgetting how to read, or worse, forgetting that I've just been reading all of this time. I don't even know the difference between what I mean and what I want. I keep thinking of those people who have some sort of accident and find that they've developed a foreign accent, and no one can tell them how or why it's happened. I wonder, if I woke up and found I had a voice that I didn't know, would I appreciate the novelty of it, or would I just cry and cry? I'm afraid of things I never thought to be afraid of before, and it isn't okay.

Alright, now there's a bit more room for this. There's been a weird sort of desperation hanging around this week, but I've been using the weather to ignore it. Last night it rained so hard, but I kept on with my tiny umbrella and sopping wet everything. Pouring, pouring, pouring, and I love the people who wait the rain out under trees, still getting soaked, but pretending they've found real shelter. Michael found me in the second doorway, because it's the deeeper one and the door swings in. I told him about the internal organs and he thought it was a good idea, and then we talked about the megaphones. It's funny how much he knows. I want to keep him forever. I want to prick our fingers and make him my blood brother. I want to build a new family out of all the best parts.

Is any of this making sense? I never do very well during this half of this month. Right now I just want to stand at the side of the highway and hitch a ride to Niagara Falls and never come back. Maybe the Siren will make it better. I'll get to hear that song, and I'll tear up a little, and it will be fine. Today was just a shaky day before it even started, and popsicles can not replace food. I started teaching myself the theme to the Odd Couple today, and it's surprisingly satisfying to play. I'll go for a walk, and I'll read, and I'll play that song until I'm light-headed, and I'll sleep. And maybe I'll dream up a hand that makes it all clear.