It's just that one sentence, standing by itself. All of the words lean against each other so nicely, each one perfect for its spot. I think I would love it even if I couldn't quite string them together into their combined meaning. That meaning, though, while certainly not about me, makes me so so swoony. Words can be so good.

It's seems as though this has all suddenly happened, but I know better. It's been happening and happening, and I've been letting it and letting it, until finally it was forced to become huge and unavoidable and shout, "Really? Can you really let this keep going this way?" Even my hands are shaking a bit. All the way up to my shoulders.

They want me in the middle and I let them keep me there because when I see how ruined they are I can't remember that I'm supposed to be angry. They've taken so much away from us, but all of that goes away and I just want to make them stop hurting themselves. I want to wrap them in blankets and lay them down for naps. Jackpot never gets this way, and I wonder sometimes if it's because he was a boy and I was a girl. I don't really know if it ever makes him sad, but if it does I'm certain he doesn't want me to know. I don't think he even wants himself to know.

When we ran into Francis the other day, he rubbed my back hello, and we stood around awkwardly, having two different conversations at once. The Egg just tries to make me laugh. Sam is never around anymore, he's become a series of voicemail messages and clever emails. George is away in more ways than one, and Michael isn't for these things. So, I tried to talk to Mary about it because she's so businesslike and practical, with her bicycle helmet and her drumsticks, but her advice was terrible, and, anyway, I don't need advice. There's not really a choice to be made, I just need reassurance and I'm uneasy with it. I've lost my volume, and distractions are only distractions. On these nights I think that if I had that tin can I'd ask you to tell me that it would be alright, and if you did I might believe it. Maybe I'll close my eyes, and when I open them it will be fall, and this will all be different.