The past few days have been like fall, early fall. It gets cold at night and the smell reminds me of knee socks and cardigan sweaters when I was eight. It smells like nervousness. I like it.

I always get stuck talking to him. He's good at catching me, and I'm not very good at getting away. He's the sort of awkward that I don't want to be mean to, but the more he says, the more I think his awkwardness might be wrapped around an awful person. The other night his questions seemed to be heading in a predictible direction, and I frantically lied to him. I feel badly about it, and worse because the lie has a fair amount of truth floating around in it. It will be a bit less regrettable if he decides I'm not worth talking to anymore, I guess.

We got together to make plans the other night, and it was so good. For a little while I sat outside alone and looked at the clouds (the clouds have been just right lately) and thought about how strange it was. Sometimes we're just ordinary friends, but other times we feel like a little family, we each have our functions and try to take care of each other. It was starting to feel this way a few years ago, but I was too detached to care much then, and some of the others veered off course. I hope it sticks this time.

I love his eyes when he makes a joke and smiles at me expectantly. I love that he always seems to choose me to smile at, as if he wants to make me laugh the most. We sat in the Captain's room with the rabbit and talked for a long, unexpected time, and he seemed so uncertain. He told true stories, one funny, one sad. We loved the creepily spelled out proposal, and when he hesitated I told him what he meant and he said I was exactly right, and looked so happy about it. It was all so nice that I ran off somewhat suddenly, I guess in an effort to preserve it. He seemed a little worried about it until I smiled and said goodnight, at which point he seemed confused but resigned. For a few minutes I worried that I'd done the wrong thing, but sometimes I can only be who I am. Anyhow...

This week better go the way I ask it to, because I have plans. So far this month seems to be going along with me, so I'm pretty hopeful. First, I have a fake autobiography to write for Sam's lovely idea, and I'm not sure what to say. I'm thinking of making it sciency. I'll try to resist the involvement of zombies, but I may have to make myself an orphan.