Right now, right now, I am sort of freaked out and uncertain. It seems like the worst way again, when I am unable to ever sleep ever. In the middles of nights I wake up a bit afraid of the dark, not the way children are, but in a new way that is less monstery and more sad. In the mornings it's cold and my head is not awake but my eyes won't close. It's only been a few days, and not even in succession, but I'm frustrated with it, and I don't want this now.

Rainy days are usually alright for me, but today it just feels too dark and damp. I think that maybe I'll stay home tonight and try to have a normal quiet night, because our plans aren't formal plans, because I have the option of not caring so much, and maybe I should take it. I feel flimsy today, from not sleeping enough, from not eating enough, from not being warm enough, from wondering too much. Maybe I can't stay home, maybe I'm too flimsy to be alone, maybe I'll need someone to rest my head against. I wonder what would happen if I showed up at the end, would he be the only one left, playing chess at the bar. I could sit next to him, watching the game. I like sitting next to him, watching the game, resting my head against his arm, giving him bad advice as to which piece to move.

This all feels like a mess, but as I'm writing this I'm starting to feel better. There are things I can do to help me to sleep, things that are better than my usual system of being afraid of my bed. I can stay home, and make dinner, and watch Children of the Stones, and settle down a little. I can finally finish that book so that I can finally start that other one. I can spend the whole next week teaching myself for the hundredth time how not to stay up all night, practicing how to be calm, which I haven't done in a while. I can wear a sweater instead of stubbornly shivering. I can take a cellular reception survey of my apartment so that I can finally work out where to leave the rocking chair, so that I can finally use the phone without hopping around the way I do, hopping in and out of range, giving up on calls too easily. I can work the whole thing out, if I mean it enough.