The way I stay up all night can be that I won't get into bed until I've gotten so sleepy that I can't avoid it. Then I get to the bed and sometimes feel like I have to read for a while, and by the time I actually shut off the light and close my eyes, I am well past sleepy. It's like being sick with having been awake for too long, the way you can get sick by being in the sun for too long. Then my falling asleep becomes the strangest time, where I get halfway a dozen times, and stuck in a weird sort of thinky paralyzed trance, but sudden imaginary sounds or scary half dreams wake me right back up, until eventually I get all the way to sleep and it takes. Other times I stay up all night by just never getting sleepy at all, and suddenly it's hours later than I can believe. I should be keeping track of myself on some sort of chart. I should know my own formulae.

It turns out I can't hold a grudge. I want to do nice things for the worst people. I just feel like being good all of the time, being helpful and considerate, but some people will look at you funny. I'm going to try really hard for the next year to not worry about people looking at me funny. It will be a year long experiment in forgetting how to be afraid of nothing all the time. Also, I'd like to learn something useful. I'm starting to worry that I don't know anything useful. I don't know, it's just hard to escape the feeling sometimes that I should be more of a person than this, by now. I should feel more tied to something, or even like something is tied to me.

Otherwise, everything's fine. I was supposed to go to a rummage sale, but I couldn't care enough. I've already got enough stuff. I was going to go because I really like the word rummage, and it was in the Gardens. I should go there this week anyway, rummage or not, and take pictures of the leafiness and the secret pigeons. I've noticed I do this thing where when I'm having a nice time I take pictures of what's around me, whatever I can see from where I am or the place that I'm in, even though those things aren't really what's causing the nice time. I'm going to have to start recording bits of sound to go with them, the voices that I like, and brakes squeaking, and glasses clinking, and the wind through everything. Someone across the way has windchimes, and it's good to hear the distant tinkling. Today I think I might buy the paper. So yeah, everything's fine.