It's embarrassing, how pointless I can get.

I was late instead of early, because I was busy moping around and dwelling on the past. And the F can be a slow train. I'm just glad it's over. Too many people are keen on buying birthday drinks. I haven't been drinking much these days, and a body forgets how. In the end I said yes to too many things and got all sappily helpless, though no one noticed because it happened to them too. We're all so old! The Captain and I were doing math to calculate who our best friends are, and Michael was doing math to chart out what day of the week his birthday will fall on for the rest of his life, and Bees was doing math to avoid homelessness. Sam was at the airport leaving me voicemail messages full of outrage and fun, and that's like math, I mean, he had to use numbers to call me. I don't know what everyone else was doing because we were spread out fairly snakily and the music was loud, but can anyone ever be doing anything that isn't math?

I just spent half my life opening some thick plastic packaging with a safety pin and my keys, which aren't remotely sharp, but good for prying. After the safety pin and keys it was all hands, and it's super satisfying to tear things open. It would have been faster with a pair of scissors, but I couldn't bring myself to leave the room. Now I have to say yes to the Egg, and then pry that globe off the wall, or die trying. I need to do more and think less.

It's easier to figure out what you'll never be than what you will. I mean, certainly. It's like some part of your brain is hiding this list of impossibilities, and it won't let you read it, but when you stumble across the right thing it will let you know. "Okay, you got one." Sometimes, though, it meanly lets you get your hopes up first. Oh, I think my thoughts just wander too far and wander too wide. It's hard to escape the feeling that everyone else does something that matters somehow, and all I do is dream while the scaffolders drill the building to pieces. The time between now and October slips by pretty quickly, I think. I have to remember to watch it and make it count a bit more. In less than two months my time runs out, and let's see if we can keep a promise for once.