I'm finding it so hard to believe that it's really October. I'm glad, though.

Due to a strange variety of circumstances I didn't make it into my nightgown and bed until eight this morning. About forty-five minutes later, while I was still in a state of near but not quite sleep, the telephone rang. It was surprisingly confusing. With my eyes mostly still closed I rejected the call because at that point the only thing that seemed to matter was making the ringing stop. Shortly afterwards the phone rang again, and it was only then that it occurred to me that the ringing sound meant that someone was calling me and maybe I should answer. Still, my hands couldn't quite work out what my brain had, and I rejected the call again. It was only the third time the phone rang that I managed to actually answer it properly. Of course, answering led to my having to get up and dressed again and go out for a bit and actually do things. Telephones are trouble.

So now here I am, home again, awakish and dressed and uncertain as to what to do. Maybe by the end of this page it will fall into place. Meanwhile, I'll make a list. I went to my mother's last night. This is a list about some things I found while there.

1. When I was fifteen, or maybe sixteen, or maybe both, I loved Ned's Atomic Dustbin so much. I still do, when I remember. One of my favorite shows ever was seeing them at the Academy while it still existed. I was with the world's neatest boy, and the floor bounced, and it was probably one of my happiest times. Jesus Jones might have opened. Around that time my best friend was this girl who was moody and interesting and funny. She was really good at making things, and as critical as I can be of things people make, I always loved hers. She once made me a little holy water font out of clay, fired and glazed and all. It went missing at some point, and I've always wished it would turn up again, but I think it's pretty hopeless. Anyway, another thing she made me, which I found last night, all folded up on the back of a high closet shelf, was a Ned's Atomic Dustbin poster. It's a great big sheet of some sort of vinyly canvas painted with a thousand colors and that splotchy Ned's Atomic Dustbin logo and a bunch of song titles, and you'd really have to see it to understand how fantastic it is. Somehow I'd completely forgotten that it existed, and I'm really glad to have found it. She and I haven't been friends for a while, and with good reason, but it was nice that we were, when we were.

2. On the same shelf was an old disc camera, and two unexposed discs. I might have been about twelve when I got that camera. Actually, I have no idea, that's only a guess. I think I may have taken it on a trip to Florida once, but I don't know what became of whatever pictures I took with it. Though the film has been sitting in that closet for a thousand years, and I'll likely never find a place that will develop disc film, I'm going to take pictures with it anyway. I'll just have to remember what I see through the lens.

3. Between the ages of eleven and fourteen I had two metal pins in my left thigh, up by my hip. Somehow (the doctor never quite explained how) my bones had gone screwy and I had to have surgery to adjust them, and the pins were put in to keep things in place until my skeleton got used to the idea. When the pins were removed I was instructed to drink at least four large glasses of milk every day to aid in filling the holes left behind. I've never been good at milk, so that was pretty rough. Even though I obviously knew it wasn't how things worked, I couldn't help imagining that the milk was running clear into my bones and pouring into the holes where it would eventually solidify. I really liked the idea of it. Last night I found the x-rays, which I hadn't seen in years and years and had completely forgotten about. They're pretty fantastic.

4. I don't care what anyone says, Heaven Is A Place on Earth is one of my favorite songs ever. I found a Belinda Carlisle tape. I haven't played it yet, I'm saving it for later.

Otherwise, and this isn't part of the list because I didn't find it at my mother's, I came across a horoscope that I like. I've never had any interest in horoscopes whatsoever, but this one sort of appeals to me. It tells you how to spend your night and rates your day with stars patterned in a way that resembles the Subaru logo. I've read it a couple of days now and have casually been following its nighttime instructions, and things have been alright. It tells me that today is a three star day, which is not great, but good enough.

I think right now I'm ready for a three star nap while Car Talk is on. After an hour or two I'll get up and go about my day, pretending I got a whole night of sleep like everyone else. Maybe while I nap I'll have a couple of three star dreams.

p.s. You're going to have a five star day.