My accordian is gone, and I could cry, almost. I'll remember it fondly.

I'm noticing that when something goes a bit wrong I'm compelled to take it the rest of the way. If I'm worried that someone might not like me, a part of me becomes determined to make the worst impression possible while the rest of me is helplessly horrified. I become hopeless at explaining myself. I take the long way around, and no one has that kind of time. I guess I'd rather do myself in if it seems inevitable. It's a bad habit. I jump guns, I think.

I get nervous sometimes, and sometimes it shows in my hands. They shake and there's nothing I can do. I try to hide it, but I get caught unlocking doors or trying to write something down. It takes too long to get the key in the lock, my handwriting gets strange and a bit jagged. I say things I don't mean because I can't remember what I do. I say things I don't mean in a voice that sounds certain, and my feelings are hurt when someone can't tell the difference.

I was talking to Danger one night and she was asking questions that made me sad, and I kept pretending with my answers that everything was fine. I told her that the problem is that we keep waiting around for someone to say something, but no one ever will. I was so serious just then, because it was occurring to me just as I said it, because I believed it so much. It might have been the only really true thing I said all night. She laughed at me and said, "What do you mean, no one will? There are only two of you." She was right, of course of course, but I was right too, because no one ever will say anything, and the fact that there are only two of us makes me more sure.

Otherwise, I'm finding myself unreasonably cheerful several times a day. I can't resist October. It seems dark all the time and I'm cold in the early mornings, but I still love it. I just keep blinking my sleepy eyes (they are sleepy all the time lately, regardless of the math) and shuffling around wearing dark blue corduroy pants under my bright yellow cotton nightgown, waiting for the water to get hot enough for tea. The paper tea bag wrapper is the perfect green. Colors are important in the fall, I don't know why. I guess it's got to do with the temperature change. So, things are alright. I'm a little worried about daylight savings, though. I think it's going to knock me out.