I feel a little sick. I feel like I've taken a whole lot of caffeine pills. I've never actually taken caffeine pills, but I've got an imagination. I want to take a shower and get into bed. I want to call Sam, but I don't think he's speaking to me. No one has ever been officially not speaking to me before. No one real, anyway. I feel alright about it. Deep down my heart is the little lump of gold that I swallowed. It just sits there, gleaming.

Somehow this morning I had the best train ride of the year. The V was crowded, and I took a middle seat at the front of the car. The lights in that section kept going out, so I was reading a book like watching a video that kept buffering. The woman next to me was doing a crossword, and whenever the lights went out she would hold her telephone against the newspaper like a mini book lamp. I had the right song playing on repeat. Everyone's colors were perfect, the nicest greens and blues and browns. For a reason I don't know the dimness made it feel like someone's warm living room. It was good.

I need to quit this for a while, probably.